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Home :  African jokes

Ever Wonder

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

The Adoption!

Koos and his wife Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy.
Koos and Becky took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired,
-* " Excuse me but, what ever possessed you to study Russian? "
Koos and Becky looked at each other and proudly said,
-* "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he´ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

Trip to Ireland

Three South African buddies Jan, Koos and Piet go on a trip to Ireland. One night at the local pub the buddies have a bit too much to drink after having a beer drinking contest with the locals, while stumbling to the hotel from the pub they find themselves on a road which led past an old graveyard. -* "Hey, Come have a look over here," says Jan, -* "Here is a Michael O´Grady´s. He lived to be 87. That’s quite old, hey!!" -* "Agg, That´s nothing", says Koos, -* "here´s one named Patrick O´Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died. Now that’s old!!" Just then, Piet yells out, -* "Hey my Chinas, here´s a Okie that got to be 145!" -* "What was his name?" asks Jan. Piet stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, -* "Miles, from Dublin."

Overweight Problem
Van’s wife Marie was overweight and she decided that it was time to shed some excess pounds,
so the polka dot bikini would fit for the holiday in Margate.

She took her new diet seriously, even changing her driving route to avoid her favourite bakery.

One morning, however, she arrives at home carrying a gigantic coffeecake.

Van scolded her, but her smile remained cherubic.

-* "Ag, man this is a very special coffeecake," she explained.

-* "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies.
I felt this was no accident, so I prayed,
´Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery´, and sure enough,"
she continued,
-* "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

You are proudly South African when....

You are proudly South African when....

1. You produce a R100 note instead of your drivers licence when stopped by a traffic officer.

2. You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement.

3. You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car.

4. You can count the national soccer teams scores with no fingers.

5. To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750

6. Hijacking cars is a profession.

7. You can pay your tuition fees by holding up a sign at a traffic light

8. The petrol in your tank may be worth more than your car.

9. More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election.

10. People have the most wonderful names:
Gift and Given.

11. Now now can mean anything from a minute to a month!

12. You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis travelling in the opposite direction.

13. Travelling at 120 km/h you´re the slowest vehicle on the highway.

14. You´re genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked where you left it.

15. The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday.

16. You paint your cars registration on the roof.

17. Half your mail is guaranteed to reach its destination.

18. You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government hospital.

19. You dial a toll free number and nobody answers.

20.You have to prove that you don´t need a loan to get one.

21.Prisoners go on strike.

This is Africa

Here are some signs that you won´t find anywhere else in the world except in Africa.

In a restaurant in Zambia: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

On the grounds of a private school in South Africa: "No trespassing without permission."

On a window of a Nigerian shop: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come here?"

On a poster in Ghana: "Are you an adult who cannot read? If so, we can help."

In a hotel in Mozambique: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9.00 am and 11.00am daily."

On a river in the Democratic Republic of Congo: "Take note: When this sign is submerged, the river is impassable."

In a Zimbabwean restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager."

A sign seen on a hand dryer in a Lesotho public toilet: "Risk of electric shock - Do not activate with wet hands."

In a Botswana jewellery shop: "Ears pierced while you wait."

On one of the buildings of a Sierra Leonne hospital: "Mental Health Prevention Centre."

In a maternity ward of a clinic in Tanzania: "No children allowed!"

In a cemetery in Uganda: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

In a Malawi hotel: "It is forbidden to steal towels, please. If you are not a person to do such a thing, please don´t read this notice."

A sign posted in an Algerian tourist camping park: "It is strictly forbidden on our camping site that people of different sex, for instance a man and woman, live together in one tent unless they are married to each other for that purpose."

In a Namibian nightclub: "Ladies are not allowed to have children in the bar."

In a photo studio in Chitungwiza (Zimbabwe): "Photos taken while you wait"

Meraai was walking down a residential street, when she noticed a little old man rocking in a chair on his stoop.
She called out to him as she passed.
-* "Good afternoon! I couldn´t help but notice how happy you look. What´s your secret for a long happy life?"
-* "Ag Ja, I smoke five packs of cigarettes a day," he replied.
-* "I also drink a case of whiskey and three cases of lion lager a week, eat nothing but lekker fast food, and never exercise."
-* "Wow! No exercising" Meraai was amazed.
-* "Ja, the only exercise I do is watch and change channels on my TV." Replied the man.
-* "That’s absolutely amazing. How old are you?" she asked.
-* "Twenty-six," he replied.

Durban man dies & goes to hell...
A Durban man dies and goes to hell... When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him.
The devil then says
"sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here."
The man says, "No problem. I´m from Durban."
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Durban man to see how he´s doing.
To the devil´s surprise, the man is doing just fine.
"No problem...just like Durban in November," the man says.
So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90.
He then goes back over to see how the Durban man is doing.
The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.
"No problem. Just like Durban in January," the man says.
So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how them man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off.
Otherwise, he seems OK.
He says, "No problem. Just like Durban in February."
Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES.
Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.
When he goes back now to see how the Durban man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight.
The devil immediately asks the man what´s going on.
To which the Durban man replies.....

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