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The Elevator!

A farm family from the Bosveld was visiting Johannesburg and they were in a shopping center for the first time in their lives.
The father Stoffel and his son Frikkie were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
Frikkie asked,
-* "Pa, What’s that?"
Stoffel (never having seen an elevator) responded,
-* "Frikkie my son, I do not know. I have never seen anything like that in my entire life; I got no idea what it is."
While Stoffel and Frikkie were watching with amazement, a fat old lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Then the walls opened up again and a young gorgeous, voluptuous woman stepped out.
Stoffel, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
-* "Frikkie my son, run and fetch Ma...."

5000 years of technology

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found traces of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read:
"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech digital telephones 1000 years earlier than the Russians."
One week later, the South African press reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 500m, S.A. scientists have found absolutely nothing. The governmen have concluded that 5000 years ago,their ancestors were already using mobile phones due to cable theft problems."

Nightly hitch hiking

This story happened a while ago in Soweto, and even when it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. (probably one of our urban legends)

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there's nobody behind the wheel.

The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. The guy, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest township. Wet and in shock, he went to a shebeen and asked for two shots of tequila.

He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and....wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the same tavern, wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing the guy who hitched a lift, the one said to the other, "Look, Mfowetu, there's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

Finally, a gifted SA blonde!!!!

A blonde walks into a bank in Johannesburg and asks for the loans dept.
She says she´s going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow R10,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a R500,000 Rolls as collateral against a R10,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank´s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the R10,000 and the interest, which comes to R141.66. The bank manager says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow R10,000?"
The blond replies ... "Where else in Johannesburg can I park my car for two weeks for only R141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally, a gifted blonde!!!!

The Parrot!!

Piet was a bachelor and his buddies decided to give him a parrot for his 30th birthday.

The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren´t expletives were, to say the least, rude.

Piet tried hard to change the bird´s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.

Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse.

He shook the bird and the bird got angry and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Piet put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and cursing -- and then suddenly all was quiet.

Piet was afraid he had actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Piet´s extended arm and said:

-* "I´m sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness.
I will endeavour to correct my behaviour."

Piet was staring mouth wide open and astonished at the bird´s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a drastic change when the parrot said:

-*"Sir, May I ask what the chicken did?"

Questions about South Africa

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.
Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA) A: Depends how much you´ve been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden) A: Sure, it´s only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden) A: So it´s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey´s Bay? (UK) A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA) A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.
Q:Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA) A:Face south & then turn 90 degrees.Contact us when you get here & we´ll send the rest of the directions.
Q:Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK) A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? (USA) A:Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y,which is...oh forget it.Sure,the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow,straight after the Koala Bear races.Come naked.
Q:Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France) A:No,WE don´t stink.
Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA) A:Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France) A:Only at Christmas.
Q:Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany) A:Not yet,but for you, we´ll import them.
Q:Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round?(Germany) A:No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q:Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. USA) A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless,can be safely handled & make good pets.
Q:Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA) A:Yes,but you´ll have to learn it first.

The African Visitor
An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president.

When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him.

One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.

The chief made a series of weird noises .... "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-" ... and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."

Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"

The chief made the same noises ... "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z" ... and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."

"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter.

The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z ... from the short-wave radio."

Van´s Uncle Jakobus!

Van´s uncle Jakobus decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court the trucking company´s fancy lawyer was questioning Uncle Jakobus.

-* "Didn´t you say, at the scene of the accident, *I´m fine*?" said the lawyer.

Uncle Jakobus responded,

-*"Ag, well I ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Betsie into the...."

-*"I didn´t ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted

-* "Just answer the question."

-*"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, *I´m fine*!"

Uncle Jakobus said,

-* "Ja well I had just got Betsie into the trailer & I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said,

-*"Your honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in uncle Jakobus’s answer & said to the lawyer,

-* "I´d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Betsie."

Uncle Jakobus thanked the Judge & proceeded,

-* "Ja well as I was saying, I had just loaded Betsie, my favourite mule, into the trailer & was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck & trailer ran the stop sign & smacked my 4x4 bakkie right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch & Betsie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad & didn´t want to move.
However, I could hear old Betsie moaning & groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a traffic cop came on the scene.
He could hear Betsie moaning & groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his gun & shot her between the eyes.
Then the traffic cop came across the road with his gun in his hand & looked at me. He said,

-*"Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

One Day At Tan Tock Seng Hospital

One Day At Tan Tock Seng Hospital - Centre For Communicable Disease

This story was told by a nurse...and she swears this really happened on her ward.

A man suspected of SARS is lying in bed with a mask over his mouth.
A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

-* "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask,
-* "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies,
-* "I don´t know Mr ******, I´m only here to wash your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask,
-*"Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies,
"I can´t tell. I´m only here to wash your face and hands."
The Head Nurse was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.
-* "Nurse," he mumbled,
-* "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of long-standing, the Head Nurse was undaunted.
She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pyjama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the panamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced,
-* "Nothing wrong with your testicles!!!"
At this the man pulled off his mask and asked again,
-* "I SAID....Are my TESTS RESULTS BACK .....!! ???"

Three Beers

Fannie a South African living in the UK walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, -*"what´ll you have?" Fannie answers, -*" Ja, Give me three pints please." So the bartender brings him three pints and Fannie proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they´re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, -*"Sir, I know you like them cold. You don´t have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I´ll bring you a fresh cold one." Fannie says, -*"You don´t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one still in South Africa. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we´d still drink together. So right now, my brothers are having three Beers too, and we´re drinking together." The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, -*"I know what your tradition is, and I´d just like to say that I´m sorry that one of your brothers died." Fannie answers, -*"Ag, Nie Man my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

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