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Interesting Gauteng exam Questions and their delightful answers.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What does the word *benign" mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

1) Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2) The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, asked,
"Am I my brotherīs son?"

3) Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4) In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

5)Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

6) The French Revolution was acomplished before it happene and catapulted into Napoleon.
Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldnīt have any children.

Car Trouble

Marie’s car was unreliable and every single time she had car trouble she would call on Koos.
One day Koos got one of those calls.
-* "Ag nie, What happened this time Doll?" he asked.
-* "Koos, My brakes went out," Marie said.
-* "Can you Please come and get me?"
-* "Where are you?" Koos asked.
-* "Iīm in the supermarket," Marie replied.
-* "And whereīs the car?" Koos asked.
Marie, -* "Oh, itīs in here with me."

The King & a South African

A South African was sitting with an Aussie and an Englishman in a house of ill repute when the police bust in and arrested them. They were initially given the death sentence but contested this and were finally imprisoned for life. But as it was a holiday Weekend, the King decided they should be released after each receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the King suddenly said "It’s my third wife’s birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but you can not wish to not be whipped!" The Englishman thought for a second then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Englishman cried in pain. The Aussie saw this and said: "Please tie 2 pillows to my back before whipping." This was done and lasted for the whole 20 lashes. The Aussie stood up smiling. The South African saw this but before he could make his wish, the King said: "As you are from South Africa with all that crime, a cricket team who is always losing in a final and a rugby team who can’t win anything, you are permitted to have two wishes!" The South African thought for a second, then said: "Thank you your Royal Highness. My first wish is to receive a hundred lashes with the strongest, toughest whip available." "If you so desire," the King replies with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish?" "Tie the Aussie to my back" replied the South African !

Mpumalanga (SA) hospital charts

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11.Patientīs medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29.Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

The Lecture

One night Van, who was in no shape to drive home after being at the local pub with his buddies, wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily and falling over dustbins along the road, he was stopped by a policeman.
"Ahh, excuse me Sir!, What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
" Ja Goeie Morning, Iīm going to a lecture." Said Van.
"And just who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" asked the officer.
"My wife." Answered Van.

African Newspaper Stories

These are actual news excerpts from various national newspapers !!!

1. The Cape Times (Cape Town) "I have promised to keep his identity confidential,ī said Jack Maxim, a spokeswoman for the Sandton Sun Hotel, Johannesburg, "but I can confirm that he is no longer in our employment".
"We asked him to clean the lifts and he spent four days on the job. When I asked him why, he replied; ī Well, there are forty of them, two on each floor, and sometimes some of them arenīt there.ī Eventually, we realised that he thought each floor had a different lift, and heīd cleaned the same two twelve times. "We had to let him go. It seemed best all round. I understand he is now working for Woolworths."

2. The Star (Johannesburg) "The situation is absolutely under control," Transport Minister Ephraim Magagula told the Swaziland parliament in Mbabane. "Our nationīs merchant navy is perfectly safe. We just donīt know where it is, thatīs all."
Replying to an MPīs question, Minister Magagula admitted that the landlocked country had completely lost track of its only ship, the Swazimar: "We believe it is in a sea somewhere. At one time, we sent a team of men to look for it, but there was a problem with drink and they failed to find it, and so, technically, yes, weīve lost it a bit. But I categorically reject all suggestions of incompetence on the part of this government. The Swazimar is a big ship painted in the sort of nice bright colours you can see at night. Mark my words, it will turn up. The right honourable gentleman opposite is a very naughty man, and he will laugh on the other side of his face when my ship comes in."

3. The Standard (Kenya) "What is all the fuss about?" Weseka Sambu asked a hastily convened news conference at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport. "A technical hitch like this could have happened anywhere in the world. You people are not patriots.You just want to cause trouble".
Sambu, a spokesman for Kenya Airways, was speaking after the cancellation of a through flight from Kisumu, via Jomo Kenyatta, to Berlin: "The forty-two passengers had boarded the plane ready for take-off, when the pilot noticed one of the tyres was flat. Kenya Airways did not possess a spare tyre, and unfortunately the airport nitrogen canister was empty. A passenger suggested taking the tyre to a petrol station for inflation, but unluckily the jack had gone missing so we couldnīt get the wheel off. Our engineers tried heroically to re-inflate the tyre with a bicycle pump, but had no luck, and the pilot even blew into the valve with his mouth, but he passed out. "When I announced that the flight had to be abandoned, one of the passengers, Mr Mutu, suddenly struck me about the face with a life-jacketwhistle and said we were a national disgrace. I told him he was being ridiculous, and that there was to be another flight in a fortnight. And, in the meantime, he would be able to enjoy the scenery around Kisumu, albeit at his own expense."

Leon and his wife Vicky are awakened at 3 oīclock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
Leon gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Ag nie, not a chance," says Leon, "it’s 3 oīclock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked Vicky.
"Ag,Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it’s 3 in the morning and it is pouring outside!"
"Nie Leon, you have a short memory," says Vicky. "Canīt you remember about 4 months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
Leon does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
"Hello, are you still there?" shouts Leon.
"Ja," said the drunk.
"Do you still need a push?" asks Leon.
"Ja, please!" answers the Drunk.
"Where are you?" asks Leon.
"Over here... on the swing!"


Jan and Becky an elderly couple had dinner at there friends house Leon and Rose another elderly couple, after eating the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking,
Leon: -* "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, they had the most delicious Springbok beefs. I would recommend it very highly."
Jan: "Whatīs the name of the restaurant?"
Leon knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to Jan,
-* "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
Jan : -* "A Carnation?"
Leon: -* "Nie. The other one"
Jan offers another suggestion, -* "The Poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls Leon, "You know the one that is red and has thorns."
Jan: -* "Ah, Do you mean a rose?"
Leon: -* "Yes, Ja thatīs it. Thank you!"
Leon then turns toward the kitchen and yells,
-* "Rose darling, whatīs the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Lost wife in the Supermarket!!!
Two guys are moving about in a Pick īn Pay supermarket when their carts collide.

One says to the other,

-*"Iīm sorry - I was looking for my wife."

-*"What a coincidence, so am I, and Iīm getting a little desperate."

-*"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

-*"Sheīs tall, with beautiful long hair, long slender legs, firm body and a very nice backside.
Whatīs your wife look like?"

-*"Never mind, letīs look for yours!"

Drinking Buddies!

Two guys are sitting next to each other in a pub in Jo’burg. They both order beers.
One of them turns to the other and says
-* "So where are you from, then?"
-* "Iīm from Jo’ Burg."
-* "Ag, me too! Iīll drink to that."
They both finish their beers and order two more.
-* "Hey so, where in Jo’ Burg are you from?"
-* "Sandton."
-* "Hey, me too! Iīll drink to that."
They both finish their Beers and order two more.
-* "Where in Sandton are you from?"
-* "The East Side."
-* "The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! Iīll drink to that!"
They both finish their beers and order two more.
-* "Where on the East Side are you from?"
-* "Sunny hill Street."
-* "Ag yes, like me too! This is incredible! Iīll drink to that."
As the bartender pours them another two beers another customer at the bar in total amazement says to the bartender,
-* "Thatīs amazing! I canīt believe theyīre from the same street and in Sandton. Small world hey!"
-* "Oh no man, itīs nothing amazing," says the bartender,
-* it’s just the Van Tonder twins getting sloshed again."

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