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Koos & his self-defence classes!!

Koos was not the brightest guy around.

Every day, when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three massive okies & they would beat him up & steal his money.

Finally, Koos decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self-defence classes so this wouldn´t happen again.

He joined a karate class & soon was doing very well with it.

So, one day, on the way home from work, Koos confidently decided to take his old route home &, sure enough, there they were.

He walked up to them & the battle ensued.

The next afternoon, Koos went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose & a busted lip.

His Sensei was shocked & asked for an explanation.

-* "Ag well," explained Koos,
-* "You see, I took my old way home last night so I could beat those Okies up who used to steal my money."

His Sensei said,
-* "What happened?"

Koos replied,
-* "Man, they jumped me before I could get my socks & shoes off!"

The Chihuahua and the Leopard

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Chihuahua along for company. One day, the Chihuahua starts chasing butterflies and before long the Chihuahua discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The Chihuahua thinks,"OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the Chihuahua exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. Wonder
if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That Chihuahua nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the Chihuahua saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the Chihuahua sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and just when they get close enough to hear, the Chihuahua says... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Nelson Mandela

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
-* "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder.
-* "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him,
-* "Look, you´ve obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson´s nose, yelling,
-* "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
-* "Look, go away! You´ve got the wrong man! I don´t want them!" Then he slams the door again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
-* "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson Mandela loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:
-* "Look, I don´t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
-* "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

At the Movies

Gatiep laid sprawled across three entire seats in the cinema.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to Gatiep,
-* ´´Ah, Sorry, sir, but you´re only allowed one seat.´´
Gatiep groaned but didn´t budge. The usher became impatient.
-* ´´Sir, Please´´ the usher said,
-* ´´if you don´t get up from there I´m going to have to call the manager.´´
Again, Gatiep just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly.
-* ´´Ok, all right buddy, what´s your name?´´
-* ´´Gatiep," he moaned.
-* ´´Where ya from, Gatiep?´´ the cop asked.
-* ´´The balcony.´´

Tour Guiding!

Linda a young South African had been studding History at a well known university in the Uk.
As a part time job she had taken up Tour Guiding, on one particular day a tour bus loaded full of noisy American tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.
They gather around Linda who starts to explain the history of that location,
-* "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta!"
A man started pushing his way to the front of the crowd and asks,
-* "When did that happen?"
-* "1215," answers Linda.
The man looks at his watch and says,
-* "Shoot! Just missed it by a half hour!"

Deafness
A concerned Koos goes to see the family doctor & says, -* "Doc, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over & over again." -* "Well," the doctor replies, -* "go home & tonight stand about 15 feet from her & say something. If she doesn´t reply, move about five feet closer & say it again. Keep doing this, so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness." Sure enough, Koos speeds home & does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen & as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Doll, what´s for dinner?" He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer & asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up & moves right behind her, about an inch away, & asks again, -* "Doll, what´s for dinner?" She replies, -* "Ag, man Koos for the fourth time, it’s vegetable stew!"

Rookie Police Officer.

Jannie a rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a official police van with an experienced partner.
A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
They drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
Jannie rolled down his window and said,
-* "Please, Let´s get off the corner people."
A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again,
-* "People please, let´s get off that corner... NOW!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.
Jannie now real proud of his first official act as a young Policeman turned to his partner and asked,
-* "Well, so how did I do?"
-* "Pretty good," chuckled his partner,
-* "especially since this is a bus stop."

SA Chewing Gum
A South African is enjoying a hearty breakfast - bacon, eggs, coffee, croissants, toast, butter, jam, etc. when an American, chewing gum, sits next to him and starts an unwanted conversation: American: "You South Africans eat the whole bread?" South African: "Of course." American (blowing bubble with his gum): "We don´t. In the States, we only eat what´s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle, rebake them into croissants and sell them to South Africa." South African: "Oh Really?" American: "D´ya eat jam with the bread?" South African: "Of course." American (chuckling and crackling his gum between his teeth): "We don´t. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all the peels, seeds and left overs into containers, recycle them into jam and sell it to South Africa." South African: "Do you have sex in America?" American: "Of course we do." South African: "And what do you do with the condoms?" American: "Throw them away of course." South African: "We don´t. We pack them into containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America."

This is a great country because...

This is a great country because...

1. You can eat half dried meat & not be considered disgusting.

2. You can eat your slap chips, juicy hamburgers, boerwors, hotdogs all that lekker stuff with your fingers, & nobody will mind.

3. Nothing is your fault, you can blame it all on apartheid.

4. You get to buy a new car every 3 months & the insurance company even pays for it.

5. You can experience KAK service in eleven official languages.

6. Where else can you get oranges with 45% alcohol content at rugby matches?

7. It s the only country in the world where striking workers show; how angry they are by dancing.

8. You re considered clumsy if you cannot:
use a cellphone (without car kit),
change CDs,
drink a beer,
put on make-up,
read the newspaper & smoke,
all at the same time while driving a car at 160 kph in a 60 kph zone.

9. Great accent. (!!!)

10. If you live in Johannesburg, you get to brag about living in the most dangerous city in the world.

11. Burglar bars become a feature, & a great selling point for your house.

12. You can decorate your garden walls with barbed wire.

13. The police are the first on the scene for most major crimes, without being called.

14. Votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.

15. Illegal immigrants leave the country because the crime rate is too high.

16. The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary you ve just reported.

17. When a murderer gets a 6 month sentence & a pirate TV viewer 2 years.

18. The prisoners strike & get to vote in elections!

19. The police stations have panic buttons to call armed response when they are burgled!

20. Police cars are fitted with immobilisers & gearlocks!

The English Springbok Supporter

An English family were in holidy In South Africa over Christmas and out one Saturday shopping. While in one of the many sports shops, the son picks up a Springbok shirt and says to his sister, "I´ve decided I´m going to be a Springbok supporter and I would like this shirt for my Christmas!"

The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

Off goes the little lad, with Springbok shirt in hand and finds his mother.

"Mum."

"Yes, son?"

"I´ve decided I´m going to be a Springbok supporter and I would like this shirt for my Christmas."

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with Springbok shirt in hand and finds his father.

"Dad."

"Yes, son?"

"I´ve decided I´m going to be a Springbok supporter and I would like this shirt for my Christmas."

The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you have learned something today?"

The son turns to his father and says, "Yes, Father, I have".

Father says," Good son, what is it?"

The son replies "I´ve only been a Springbok supporter for an hour and I already hate you English b@st@rds!"

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